The sunlight makes interesting reflections on my wall. I try to take a photo to capture the vibe but (as usual) a pic doesn’t do it justice. My mind is all over the place. I’ve been on Oahu for 3 weeks now and have played exactly 1 gig (and it wasn’t even my gig). Doors are opening and then slamming in my face left and right. What can you do? Just keep trying.
I’ll admit depression creeps in and I wonder why. Why am I even here (making a go at a life in music, living on my own, existing)? I’ve always gone straight to the existential. Probably one of the reasons I don’t have many close friends. I wonder if other people have these thoughts, or if they’re just content with the mundane day to day stuff; with feeding the dog before work and looking forward to going out for beers on the weekend. I envy that carefree spirit at times. But I also know that my deep thoughts make me more likely to wax poetic. So there’s that.
My mom used to say “How can I be in two places at once when I’m really nowhere at all”? Right now I feel like I’m both. Still worrying about my family’s lives and just sort of floating here, taking up space but invisible. I’ve always had the feeling that I’m part ghost, like people never really see me for who I am, just some half-shell. Oh well. Maybe the full me would be too much for them to handle (it’s too much for ME to handle sometimes).
I can’t help but feel like we as humans (at least in western society) overvalue doing and becoming and creating more than simply being. Of course that might sound like a cop out for the guy that is making less than most fresh-out-of-high school fast food workers. But it really does seem like our identity begins to become our vocation. One of the first questions after meeting someone is “What do you do for work?” Maybe some of that is just small talk in action but I’ve definitely felt the pressure to be successful at X so I can tell people I’m successful at x. Pressure that -whether self-inflicted or not- can introduce feelings of inadequacy when X doesn’t pan out.
Where am I actually going with this? I don’t know (if I’m being honest). I just woke up with these thoughts parading around in my mind and decided what better way to formulate them then by writing them into a blog post that nobody will read? So there you go.